FROM THE DESK OF E. KRISTIN ANDERSON:

Hi there. I don't wax political here very often. My thoughts on this kind of thing are generally not why you follow me or my blog. But I thought that I might be able to say something worthwhile on this topic. And this is a pretty good place to do it.

Here's the thing. Violence against women is a huge problem in this country -- in many countries. And, unfortunately, sometimes it takes a man to make waves, because women's voices are undervalued and under-heard. (For the record, I have no interest in hearing about men's rights movements and "but I'm not that kind of guy" stuff because this isn't about dudes, it's about ladies, and the fact is, ladies get a rough beat whether you can see it or not.)


Privilege is an ugly word. It took me a LONG time as a white, straight women from a middle class family to understand. I felt accused. I felt hated. I felt judged. For this whole "privilege" thing. When I finally realized what it meant -- which was none of the things I thought it meant -- it was a breath of fresh air. OH! I thought. It means that society has given this thing to me tacitly, and it has little to do with what I can control or how much of an advocate I am or whether my best friend is brown or gay or Jewish. It has nothing to do with what I think or feel. It's about what everyone else sees and how that affects my life and my actions. And I realized that everyone else -- often including myself -- was living with a very difficult to understand tunnel vision. We value certain voices above others. Because we don't even THINK about it. These are learned behaviors that are so hard to unlearn. Ever heard the saying "Everyone's a little bit racist?" (Points if you know the song from Avenue Q!) Well, everyone's a little bit classist, too. And sexist. And on and on.

The good news is, once you can own up to this, as a person, and say to yourself, shit, that thought I just had about that stranger was totally bigoted. Or you can say, shit, I totally just silently judged that girl over there for wearing a too-short dress. Well, you'll be on your way to effecting change.

But thinking to yourself isn't enough. And, yes, straight white men from middle to upper class families are the Kings of Privilege. Yes, they have voices that people like to listen to. But we have voices, too. Why don't we use them? If enough of us do, someone will hear.

So, ladies. I have some challenges for you. In the wake of the recent tragedies that are being blamed on the misogynistic, man-centric culture that we have fostered in the United States, you can either Tweet into the ether and share articles around, or you can do something. Here are some somethings I think you should try to do:

1.

Stop using the word "slut."

Even if you're just talking to your bestie and saying "Hey, slutbucket, what's up? We still on for coffee?" Well, even then, you're making that word a part of your lexicon. And it makes it easier to see a girl at the office or at school wearing a mini skirt and think "Whoa, So-and-So is rockin' that slutty outfit!" And even if you mean it in a positive way, it's a slippery slope. Because slutty means "in the manner of a slut." And what is a slut? The implication is that a slut is a promiscuous woman who doesn't respect herself. (The issue of promiscuity being a negative is something else...because what looks "healthy" in terms of sexuality for one person isn't going to be "healthy" for another. But let's just go with this definition for now and attack the idea of promiscuity later.) So, when we use this word to describe someone's clothes or style or a photo they posted to Instagram, we're saying that the girl in the clothes/style/photo wants to have sex with multiple partners, just because of the clothes/style/photo. That's kinda messed up, right?

2.

Stop using the words "manwhore" & "manslut."

I know what you're thinking: But this totally levels the playing field! Men can be sluts, too! Why, yes they can. The problem is, we feel the need to modify the word slut in order to let them be sluts. What's up with that? I mean, we all know (I hope) that there are ridiculous double standards when it comes to exploring sexuality for men and women. A girl who sleeps around is a slut/whore/insert expletive here. A man who sleeps around is a stud/player/insert positive title here. So lame! So if we're going to call a guy a slut, why not just call him a slut? Okay, so I just told you not to use the word slut. But let's take it to the next level and remind ourselves constantly that the word "manwhore" is probably more degrading to women than it is to the man you're describing. It implies that whore can only describe women unless you specify man. And that's just silly. Sexuality (and along with it promiscuity, monogamy, virginity, and so on) isn't a man thing or a woman thing. It's a people thing.

3.

Stop blaming the victim.

Girls, you know you think it. When you hear someone was assaulted, you're shocked and sad and possibly angry. That's your first reaction. But then you ask things like "was she drunk?" And "was she at a party?" And "what was she wearing." And "was she flirting?" We have to have all these qualifiers. Because somehow it's easier to accept that a woman was assaulted if for some reason she was "asking for it." And even when we don't use the words "was she asking for it," well, a lot of the times we're saying or thinking just that. "Did she dance close to him?" "Was she out alone?" "Why didn't she just get a cab?" When you hear someone was assaulted, try to stop that train of thought. And, please please please, try to stop that train of word vomit. Don't say these things. Don't spread rumors. Don't comment on the news report with anything other than stuff along the lines of, "This is horrible, nobody deserves to be assaulted." You know how angry you were at Chris Brown when he beat up Rihanna? You should be that angry every time a woman is assaulted, physically or sexually. No questions.

4.

Support the women and girls around you.

There are lots of ways to do this. Do you have a buddy system when you go out? Personally, if I am going out by myself I text a friend so she knows where I am and who I might meet. Do you cheer on the women who are achieving in your community? Because, no matter how you want to look at things, it IS harder to achieve as a woman, because you are constantly being questioned about things like whether being a mother will get in the way of your career. Or will you be able to work under pressure because of your hormones and emotions. Or you get paid less. Or you get singled out in the office. Or you are constantly called "a woman poet" or "a woman doctor" or "a woman engineer" or "a woman professor." So. Are you supporting the ladies in your friend group? Your community? If not, do it! If you are, do it more!

So there you have it. My mini manifesto. I hope that y'all got something out of it. Or at least enjoyed reading.



I don't usually censor comments, but given some of the hate speech I've seen on similar blogs this week, I will be moderating in case anything hateful or threatening shows up here. Play nice, y'all!